Struggling

I'm really having a tough time balancing nutrition and life. I know I can do it. I keep messing up but I feel so close to the edge of greatness that I'm trying not to get discouraged. I looked at all of the pictures of myself when I was thin and it was pretty darn tough. BUT it has only made me want to push harder to get back there. I have made an album of pictures on my iPhone that has all of my skinny pics my progress pics, pictures that accentuate mu current size ( lets be honest my current unhappiness) and pics of healthy beautiful women that inspire me. When I feel like binging, not working out, or just crappy, I look at them and it inspires me. On another note of something else that's going to be super hard I have decided to quit smoking (another nasty habit I recently picked up). This includes smoking when I drink. Here is a pic of my last pack. Donezo. Hope everyone is doing well in spite of the hard times.

Back to it!

My friends and I created a 9 week weight loss challenge. It's $10 to enter and an additional $10 if you fall in the bottom two slots ( meaning you lost the least percent of weight). Week one I lost 6.5 lbs and week 2 I broke even. This week I'm kicking ass! Gym two for two so far and a run tomorrow morning before work. This time I'm doing me. I am my motivator and the voice in my ear pushing g me harder. I am pleased to find that I CAN do this and I don't have to settle as the "fat" friend.

2/25/13

Since my 21st birthday at the end of June I have been binge drinking like crazy and supplementing my hangover with whatever greasy unhealthy food looked satisfying.  Since I am not invincible I did what I hoped I would never do, I gained all my weight and more back.

AND IT SUCKS!

I couldn't tell you the countless drinks I had or the greasy pizza and fries I'd indulged in, but you know what I could tell you?  How good it felt being thinner and healthy and how miserable and depressed I am now.  None of my clothes fit and when I sit I can feel the horrific fat rolls on my back and sides.  Last Wednesday I challenged myself to go without drinking for 1 week and I am proud to say I have successfully made it over the weekend with out a single drink!  Only 2 days left!  I had originally planned to reward myself with a night of drinking but that just seems so silly to me!

Yesterday I went to Disneyland and instead of a cheat meal, I had a cheat day. Which wasn't what I originally planned to do. WHOOPDY DO. haha  My approach to weight loss this time is more realistic.  I will be eating the same meal plan as last time, however I am accepting the matter of real life this time.  No, it's not possible to be as strict as I was last time for my entire life.  I am going to want to go out and get hammered and eat some fast food and instead of depriving myself like last time, I am going to be smarter and live life too.  ANYWAY, after eating at Disneyland and being unhealthy I feel like a slug, I am so tired and could barely get out of bed today.  Which is just giving me more and more motivation to keep the good feelings going!

I'm happy to be back :)

2/21/13

I'm back bitches.  It's go time.

BElieve in YOU

Well I've did OK this last week.  I drank alcohol and ate crappy fast food over the weekend.  But other than that I stayed on point with my nutrition.  I cut drinking slurpees and Starbucks which was a lot easier than I figured it would be and I feel really good about it.  I keep thinking about how hard and miserable it is to be overweight.  No diet, no "lifestyle change", no workout, nothing is as hard as waking up feeling like dirt on the ground when your overweight.  This morning I woke up feeling like crap, I had no text messages, no Facebook love, and quite honestly I felt unwanted and crappy.  Then I crawl out of bed and look in the mirror and blame all of my problems on the way I look and feel.  I HATE feeling overweight.  The feeling/high I experienced when I was down more weight (not even at goal) is irreplaceable.  I will be back there, and no it won't fix ALL of my problems, but I feel when you wake up and you look in the mirror and you are proud of the way you look and proud that your PJ's are falling off (not tight like mine) it gives you this empowerment that you can do anything and take on the world.  I love that feeling, and don't get me wrong I often have that feeling, but often times that angry little bitch voice in the back of my head creeps up and tell me " ok, tell yourself that, whatever to get you through the day hun".  It's a constant struggle now, between getting down on myself and constantly having to re inspire myself and pull myself up by my shoelaces.  Before it was effortless, I woke up and I was so proud of how hard I was working and the body and lifestyle I created for myself.  In great news, after I woke up feeling unwanted I weighed myself and I was down 3 lbs!  WOO!  I plan on having a almost flawless week with no alcohol at all this week!  I know I can do it!  Even though I have a constant struggle the positive ALWAYS outweighs that negative bitch voice.   I am my biggest cheerleader and I want myself to succeed more than anyone.  Remember if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else too?

Regression

To anyone that follows this blog you have been able to see the little app on the left move from 0 to 38 pounds lost. That also means you have been able to see it move from 38 pounds lost down to only 13 pounds lost.  With the combination of my 21st birthday and my relationship ending I have gained back 25 pounds.  As you may have seen from the post below, I have tried to get back to it and finish my goals.  But I wasn't serious enough or prepared enough to actually do that.


Today is a different story.

I came across this picture on pinterest today and it was almost like a slap in the face.

Which is the worst for you?

For me losing weight was hard BUT I truly did like it.  I felt energized and confident in what I was doing.  I haven't gotten the chance to maintain BUT I can guess that when I live in the skin I feel the best about i will feel much better than I do now.  Since I got rid of all my "fat" clothes currently nothing I own fits me.... It is dreadful looking for clothes in the morning everyday.... I hate going out because I feel hideous. I feel like everyone can look at me and see my regression.  My confidence is completely gone.  When I sit, I can feel the fat rolls on my back. This is truly the HARDEST hard.  I will no longer continue to live like this.  I am tired... and hungry ALL the time even though I am consuming  2-3 times my needed caloric intake.  I need to kick the addiction again and go through withdrawal of the terrible foods that I have been consuming.  I do not regret the way I have been living the last couple months BUT I will not let this be it for me.  I will be fit once and for all and learn how to live a new lifestyle that incorporates everything I want it to.

8/2/1/

As painful as it was, I stepped on the scale this morning. I knew I had put some of my weight back on. With the excitement of turning 21 and my month long celebration, I put on 13 lbs back on. While I have been saying I need to get back on track, nothing was definite until I got on the scale and physically saw my weight and faced the truth. It is better to confront your problems in the face than ignore them until they sneak up behind you and put you back to square one. Putting on the weight is very frustrating. I Didn't want to share it with my self let alone my blog, but I feel it is absolutely necessary if I am to continue my journey and reach my goal weight. This is only I minor set back. I have printed out my nutrition plan and I am ready to work hard. This next week or so will be hard to detox from the horrible food that I put in my body. But I've done it before and I know I can get through it.

Moral is, confront your demons and take accountability! That is the first step in getting back to it.

7/9/12

Today a friend reminded me I hadn't posted on here in sometime. I will admit I am struggling greatly with continuing my journey. While I haven't continued to lose anymore, I have kept the weight off. I was also comfortable enough to wear a bikini last week in Vegas for my 21st Bday. My mother forced me to take a picture so here it is!

Surprises

So yesterday I did it!  I ate flawlessly on time and on nutrition with every meal.  I even rode my mom's stationary bike after work and before class.  I was very impressed with myself.  This morning I decided that I had to face the scale and see what damage I had done since my last weigh in on April 17. I was expecting the worse, thinking I was going to weigh in at 170lbs which would be a gain of 4.5.  To my surprise, I lost 2 lbs!  I am now 163.5lbs down a total of 36.5 lbs.  Needless to say I shocked myself.  Even though I was eating badly I continued to track.  I think that still gave me some accountability with the amount I was consuming.  Today is a new day and I am looking forward to keeping up the hard work.  My family is doing a fitness challenge where you set your own goals and try to achieve them together!

Here are my goals for the challenge:

Final goals, run a 5k in under 30 minutes, lose my final 15 lbs and find a comfortable maintenance plan. My weekly goal is to workout 5 days a week for an hour doing at least 30 min of HIIT.  I also want to complete my other two fitness competitions ending June 17th and June 22nd!

I wasn't going to write my goals down, but it seems like a very important step!  Feel free to share your goals!  

Since my job is only seasonal and tax season just ended, my last day of work is in 2 days!  I have decided to take a big load of classes this summer and not work.  I am so excited and nervous seeing how this is my first time since I was 15 that I haven't worked!  I hope to really focus on my fitness and health the whole time!

Here is a picture of my before pants!  They are falling off as I walk!  I feel like a gangster!

Re-motivation

Well, my "cheat week" surprised me.  I thought since I was so miserable eating foods that were bad for me that i would have no problem getting back on the band wagon.  Man was I wrong.  I have been struggling badly for the last two weeks, but I am determined to get back to it.  I understand that minor slip ups happen.  The most important thing is realizing the problem and getting re motivated.  While I have been struggling I have noticed and learned so much about myself.  I would have to admit that I have a problem with food.  Hiding it to eat it, lying that i didn't eat as much as i did, and pretending that it really wasn't that bad.  These were all habits I had practiced before I lost my weight.  The only problem is i did not recognize them as being a "problem" at that time.  These last two weeks, i reverted back to all of those negative practices and I felt so bad.  Aside from feeling sick bad, i felt embarrassed and ashamed of my actions.  I felt like I had relapsed and my family was too nice to call me out on it.  I am shocked to think that is how I lived my life before.  I do not want to continue on like this and I know that the ONLY one that can fix that is me.  No one else.  I believe in myself enough to know that I have the power within to accomplish any and all of my dreams, not just pertaining to weight loss.  I am ready to complete my journey and move on to maintaining this lifestyle.  No matter what your struggle is, remember that you are the only one that can help yourself.  The power lies within.