Relapses Are Inevitable

First of all, yes I know, it's been a while since my last post.  The last post that I said I was fed up with being overweight and was quitting smoking and blah blah blah.  I fell off the band wagon quick.  And clearly that wasn't my first time falling off the wagon.  But, hell, I'M HUMAN.  and chances are if you are female and reading this, you have probably fallen off the wagon a time or two as well.   Life is hard.  Really hard.  Even harder if your not blessed with a bikini ready body after a week of clean eating and gym work.  But come on the majority of us aren't.  and if you are and you aren't in my family or one of my best friends you might not find what you want to here.  But if you do I'm glad my insight could help you too!

It has been quite some time since my last post, so let me catch you up:


-My AMAZING temp job ended
-Moved in with my Aunt and Uncle in Pasadena (I'm going to school in Pomona)
-Met a couple of confused immature assholes
-Gained more weight
-Got a new job (with a cigarette company)
-Hated job and quit
-Smoke free for 47 days aside from 3 drunken nights (sober me is not accountable for drunk me)
-Got a fitbit
-Using my anger at everything to workout..... a lot


 Hmmmm....
I probably forgot something, but I'm sure it will come up if I did.

So, since I moved out to Pasadena (about an hour from all my friends) I have become even more depressed.  I filled the voids in my life (friends, boys, bad self image, and well everything) with bad food and booze.  Which only made me feel worse.  Shocking I know.  and not only did I feel angry at myself for eating the food, my reflection wasn't making me happy either.

So once again I decided to change my life.  Now I know your thinking, "Yeah, right KK, I've heard that before". and ya know what you have.  Now it's up to me to prove you and my tiny little inner haters wrong.

So lately instead of eating and drinking my feelings I have been working out a lot.  Since I don't have a job and school doesn't start for two weeks I have been working out at least twice a day.  Now I know this is a tad extreme, but why not?  The people on those weight loss shows do it and I am making sure I am satisfied with a nutritionally balance diet.  I have the time for the next two weeks until school starts I am hoping to jump start my weight loss.

I accomplished another HUGE milestone tonight.  I swam laps at the gym by myself.  No one I knew or trusted with me since my Dad died in the water.  HUGE HUGE DEAL.


This is me, right after my swim :)  Oh and if there are any Chive(er or ettes) reading KCCO :P

I spent 4 hours at the gym.....

I have never ever ever done that... Ever..... My friend told me he would meet me there at 9 to lift so I decided to go earlier and get my cardio in. I got there at 8:20 and got on the elliptical. He got there at 9 and we "got SWOL".  We worked some legs but mostly upper body. Last night driving home my arms were so exhausted I could barely drive. I woke up this morning and  was surprised my arms didn't hurt at all.  That was 2 hours ago.... My arms are becoming more and more fatigued.  I am keeping my protein intake solid and I have been stretching.  Here's to going hard and shocking myself.

What Inspires You?

I'm curious to know what inspires other people to keep working at it.

Part of me is scared to really commit to lose the weight again because the only reason I really see my self as thin is looking back at pictures.

I was MUCH happier then than I am now in that body, but I still didn't view my self as being thin.

Even I can admit that I stuck with the challenge in the beginning to prove someone wrong.  Now I want to stick with it to prove myself wrong.  You know that age old saying "you don't know what you got til it's gone"?  That is how I feel about my previous weight loss.

So I am looking to see how anyone keeps with it.  I know I don't have many readers but if you do read this I would love to know what inspires you to keep working on it, what ever "it" is for you.

reality check

Been pretty down on my luck the last couple of days.  But today, I watched THIS and my perspective has been altered a bit.

New quote: "You can either sit in the basement and wait, or you can get out there and do crazy stuff" 

What would your next move be if you were terminal?

New goal

While on my lunch at work I was browsing through The Chive and came across THIS lovely cache of pictures of beautiful women with tattoos.  I constantly look at Chivette's for my fitspo and I've decided I can't wait to get back to goal so I can have my own (classy of course) picture posted on The Chive.

ANYWAY..

In other news, THIS SHIT IS HARD.  I am tired, discouraged, sad, lonely, and quite honestly I could use a strong drink or 7.  I have been really balancing my love of food vs my wanting to be fit and healthy.  I think to myself that being overweight is doable.  I can learn to find flattering clothes and not be insecure.  Now please don't misunderstand me, I love myself and who I am, but when I was thinner and healthy I felt so alive and amazing!  I want that feeling again.  I want it more than I want to drink, I want it more than I want to snack, and I want it way more than I want to sit on my ass and watch TV.  I saw this on Pinterest and it made so much sense.

Also, my lovely friend Lisee showed me how she made a fitspo collage for the background on her phone so I made one for my lock screen and one for my wall paper with some things that inspire me.

I used some ecards and pictures of myself when I was in LOVE with myself.  I know I can get back there and this little reminder when I open my phone helps :)

ACV

Apple cider vinegar. Whose tried it to aid in weight loss?  I've tried fat burners and they really mess with my heart and over all feeling. So, I have heard that certain raw versions of apple cider vinegar can assist in weight loss. I did some research and found that it is relatively cheap so I figured what the heck! You're supposed to take 2 teaspoons before each meal. So here is the correct kind of ACV with the "mother" haha this made me laugh. Well we will see what/ if it does anything for me. I will keep you posted :)

What the hell happened to me...

6 AM run.... Check. Midnight workout.... Check. Plans for 6am workout... Check.... The expression on my face says it all... WTF got into me. My thoughts on not getting much sleep is this.... If I can stay up drinking like a sailor until 3 AM then get up and be at work at 8AM, why can't I work out and still get more rest. This is a lifestyle change I have been craving. I've always wanted to be addicted to the gym, so here it goes!

Running before I'm alive

So I have this best friend... See below. She's gorgeous, sweet, fit and by far my greatest motivator. When I don't believe in myself she pushes me too. Anyway... Last night we planned to go on a run before I went to work this morning. I hate mornings. She called me and called me until I got out of bed then showed up at my door dragged my butt outside an made me go with her. And here we are at our local herbalife shake place. I don't do herbalife but their protein shakes fit into my nutrition just fine. Here is my lemon iced tea, my chocolate PB protein shake, and my new PB2!

Struggling

I'm really having a tough time balancing nutrition and life. I know I can do it. I keep messing up but I feel so close to the edge of greatness that I'm trying not to get discouraged. I looked at all of the pictures of myself when I was thin and it was pretty darn tough. BUT it has only made me want to push harder to get back there. I have made an album of pictures on my iPhone that has all of my skinny pics my progress pics, pictures that accentuate mu current size ( lets be honest my current unhappiness) and pics of healthy beautiful women that inspire me. When I feel like binging, not working out, or just crappy, I look at them and it inspires me. On another note of something else that's going to be super hard I have decided to quit smoking (another nasty habit I recently picked up). This includes smoking when I drink. Here is a pic of my last pack. Donezo. Hope everyone is doing well in spite of the hard times.

Back to it!

My friends and I created a 9 week weight loss challenge. It's $10 to enter and an additional $10 if you fall in the bottom two slots ( meaning you lost the least percent of weight). Week one I lost 6.5 lbs and week 2 I broke even. This week I'm kicking ass! Gym two for two so far and a run tomorrow morning before work. This time I'm doing me. I am my motivator and the voice in my ear pushing g me harder. I am pleased to find that I CAN do this and I don't have to settle as the "fat" friend.