Insecurities and big steps...

Yesterday I started and signed up for the Bodybuilding.com $100,000.00 Body Transformation Contest!  I was so excited because I am really determined to win this!!  And even if I don't I know I will have a banging body and I will win anyway!  On Monday night, Jason took me to the store and we found some healthy foods that fit into the nutrition plan he set up for me.  When we got home he set all of the food in front of us and we did math... I really hate math, so I am so lucky he is a math whiz!  I am still following a 40/40/20 plan, but instead of doing it for each meal it is for the day.  Now, my meals start out carb heavy and decrease to almost none by the end of the day.  Jason created this excel spread sheet for me with the correct combinations of foods to equal the amounts I need.  This cuts out the excuses," I didn't understand it" and also "I didn't have time to add up the numbers" or "I'm not good at math” Which I needed.

I made sure to get foods that I KNEW I would eat.  As opposed to yuck.... I hate this I will try to eat it, when in reality it will just go bad in my fridge.  I feel like this is really key.  While my selection of foods is really limited because of this, I can still get the nutrients from other sources.  There are foods that I don't eat and don't like that are key and that's where supplements step in.  I HATE vegetables.  The only kind I will eat are carrots or broccoli if they are smothered in ranch OR a fatty Cesar salad with all the fixin's and I'm not expert, but I am pretty sure that's not good for you.  So, Jason suggested I take a multi-vitamin for women and fish oil pills.  The women's mulit-vitamin I picked up is the Target brand Up & Up Women's One a day.  Jason ordered my some Optimum Nutrition Opti-Women multi-vitamins from bodybuilding.com.  (They are supposedly the best that are out there!)  The fish oil pills I bought are probably not the best option but I have trouble swallowing big pills, so I go the Nature Made gummies.  They don't have nearly 1/4 of the nutrients that are in Jason's GNC fish oil pills.  I hope to work my way up to being able to swallow a couple big pills.  My sister-in-law, Jaime, suggested a product from Trader Joe's that is a liquid mixture of all the green veggies.  She suggested mixing it in to a smoothie.  I hope to get over to Trader Joe's soon to check that out.  So as of now, I am only taking a multi-vitamin and fish oil.

Aside from the nutrition aspect of the program, my motivation level is somewhat stagnate.  I am super excited about the contest, but I am not so motivated about the gym.  It could have something to do with the cold I am battling.  I know it will come around.  

When I signed up for the program, there was one aspect that I was dreading... I had to post my before pictures at the start of the contest.  This was hard for me.  I think I would feel different if I had to post them at the end of the contest, next to my after pictures.  I know this will be another way to keep me accountable, but DAMN... it's hard.  I don't even like to look my body in the mirror, let alone showing it to the rest of the world.  But I did it and I am going to post them here too.  I need to break down my insecurities and still love what I have become.  After all, it is a part of me and I need to accept it.  I know I can look at it and say, "Yes... I was overweight and unhappy with my body, but I am learning how to love myself and take care of my body the way it deserves."  So here they are, my lovely before shots.

These are my starting body stats!

LATEST BODYSTATS

Neck

13.3"

Jan 8, 2012

Chest

40.7"

Jan 8, 2012

Forearms

9"

Jan 8, 2012

Hips

44.5"

Jan 8, 2012

Calves

15.5"

Jan 8, 2012

Shoulders

43"

Jan 8, 2012

Arms

12.5"

Jan 8, 2012

Waist

42.3"

Jan 8, 2012

Thighs

22"

Jan 8, 2012

Accomplishment

I had an extremely busy weekend.  I had dinner with my mom and her friends on Friday night.  Got up at 6am to run my FIRST 5k!!  (Details to follow)  Then I went straight to my boyfriend’s house for a family gathering, then to Borderline for my friend’s birthday party (finally getting into bed at 3:30 am :[...), then I woke up to a sick boyfriend on Sunday morning, but we still went to a bbq for the 49er game.  Needless to say, I'm pooped.  

I am so proud of myself for running in my first 5k.  I was extremely nervous due to the fact that my knees started killing me 2 weeks ago, which put a halt in my training. I had been doing weight training to try to strengthen the muscles surrounding my knee to get away from the pain, but guess where that got me?  Sore... so extremely sore that I am STILL hobbling around.  But I did it.  My brother, Danny, who has been running for years, also did the race with me, but he did the 10k.  I was so nervous about it.  I was scared that I would be the only one that had to walk part of it and people would feel sorry for me as I went through the finish line hours after the person before me.  I was psyched that when I got there, I saw two other friends that were doing it too!  I checked in and picked up my bib. When the race was about to start I was hyperventilating.  All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind. "Would I get stampeded? Does everyone start out by running?  Would I do it wrong?"  When I look at this now I realize how silly this sounds, but at the time I was full of emotions.  Luckily one friend wasn't worried.  She told me that she always starts out by walking, she went with me to the back of the pack and I felt much more comfortable.  When we got out onto the main street, I decided to jog.  My knees started hurting immediately but adrenaline soon took over.  I had my music on through my Nike+ app and it made me feel good.  I kept challenging myself though landmarks.  When I felt I was getting tired, I would look up ahead and tell myself I could stop running at the stop sign, or the yellow house.  Usually by the time I reached the points I was exhausted and I started walking.  But a couple of times, I realized that I was capable of doing it without walking.  That I wasn't going to die or faint.  I also did this with people.  I have a very competitive nature, so I would push myself to pass more people up because I wasn't going to let them get a better time than me.  I finished the 5k in 38 minutes and 56 seconds.  When I was training the lowest I could get it down to was around 44 minutes.  Needless to say I was so proud that I did it and did it in much less time than I ever had before.  I also discovered that my knees weren't hurting me.  My mind was transforming the slight pain that had stopped me the last two weeks into something much worse.  While it is extremely important to listen to your body and stop when you’re hurting, I wonder if it is just another excuse to quit.  This led me to think about something else... When we have bad addictions (i.e. smoking or drinking) that hurt us constantly we can't give them up because we are so drawn to these things... but why is it with good addictions (i.e. exercising or eating healthy) the slightest hiccup (one bad meal) can completely de-rail us from our goals and dreams?  I need to change my thinking and stop making excuses for quitting.  I need to get out of my mind and accept that I deserve to be healthy and happy with my body.  Anyways, I am proud that my knee problem didn't make me stop running.  I am happy I pushed through my mental limits and did something outside my comfort zone!    Here are some pictures from after the race!

My time was 38:56 and I finished 6th in my age group of 20-29!

Oh!!! and I am starting the contest for bodybuilding.com today!  I will post my nutrition and workout plan in an upcoming post! 

Set Back

Yes... I have had a minor set back and yes it is time for a major comeback.  This is no longer an idea that I had to improve the way I looked.  This is a lifestyle, something I NEED to do for myself.  In my post entitled "Shitty"  I mentioned that I was eating a lot of comfort foods.  One of my followers, Juanita, commented and in that comment she asked "Is the comfort food working, it doesn't sound like it.".  This almost gave me a revelation... Sure I love the way my comfort foods taste but they only make me feel worse!  Aside from the anxiety I bring upon myself for not eating "clean", I feel groggy and depressed and just down right SHITTY!!  Eating right is no longer about being skinny, its about an overall wellness.  I'm starting my day fresh right now.  Going to push extra hard through my workout tonight and make myself proud.  It's time to get MY ASS UP!

Shitty

Had a shitty last 4 days....  My knees are killing me, I'm only eating comfort foods to comfort my emotions. We had to put our kitty down...  I don't really want to eat but when I do I eat bad.  Trying to get back into... I am just NOT feeling it.    I need to get re-motivated and enter this contest.  You can do it Kristine.... Pick it up girl...

Perspective

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

The above link is for a web article called 30 things to stop doing to yourself.  This article really makes you think about the way we treat ourselves.  It is a really good and inspiring read.  My favorite one as far as weight-loss goes is this, "You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one."  We have all tried to lose weight before.  Sometimes I have been successful sometimes I have not but all in all I am back here unhappy with my weight.  When I read this quote it made me think about all the past times I have tried to lose weight.  What my trigger foods or events were.  The things that made me give up and decide just to be overweight forever.  It also made me think that I can’t go back and change those things, BUT I can make sure that I don't do that in the future.  NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE F*CKED IT UP BEFORE.  I would rather fail 100 times and get it right eventually then never try at all.  I had a semi bad weekend.  Meaning... I didn't stay within calories, but I didn't eat the terrible things I did before.  I had a chicken sandwich with wheat bread no cheese instead of a fatty burger with tons of bacon and cheese.  I had regular French fries as opposed to sweet potato fries, but I didn't eat all of them.  After that meal when I ate frozen yogurt I didn't throw my hands up and say "oh well I already ate bad I might as well just keep going and start fresh tomorrow".  I thought that at first, before I pile Reese’s and cookie dough on my yogurt.  When I sat down to eat it with my friends, I thought about how upset at myself I would be if I ate everything in that bowl.  I changed my thinking.  I still ate frozen yogurt AND I still had Reese’s and cookie dough.  I did however stay within reason.... I didn't over do it.  I pushed the majority of toppings to the side and just ate the fro-yo that was a delicious treat itself.  I put the bowl down when I had enough, NOT when the bowl was empty.  This reminded me of this picture on Pinterest and it made me chuckle.  How many times do we do this?  

I am guilty of this... way too often.  This analogy really puts it into perspective for me!  How ridiculous does this sound when we are talking about our cell phones.  We need to think of it this way when it comes to our diets.  Although I ate badly, I started fresh at every meal.  I didn't starve myself to make up for eating a lot and I also didn't overdo the rest of my day either.  When it was time for my next meal (I eat every 2-3 hours) I evaluated how hungry I was and had a small snack.  Ultimately, no matter how many times you fail, there will always be another chance and you’re not going to succeed at it if you’re still dwelling on the last failure.   

Why not me?

Today I was presented with a new challenge.  Jason, who is super into body building and gaining clean weight, suggested I partake in bodybuilding.com's $100,000.00 12 week transformation challenge.  This means, 12 weeks to transform my body with the chance of winning a lot of stuff!  The entry is free, but I have to post my before pictures when I start.  Not after I have finished and I can look back and say, “ya, I USED to look like that, now I have this body".  I have been contemplating this all day.  Looking over how I can improve my current clean eating habits, my gym regiment, and the supplements I would want to take.  I can clean up my already clean eating habits.  I can vow to reach my 40/40/20 nutritional goals at each meal.  I can vow to only have ONE not-so clean eating meal a week. I can vow to do both cardio and weight training at the gym.  I can vow to not only buy the supplements, but USE them.  I could do all of these things, but why was I hesitating so badly?  I guess I feel like there is no way out of the thousands of people who enter, that I would actually win.  To me, it doesn't even seem like a possibility.  That no matter what I would do, there would be someone that deserved it more, or someone that worked harder than me.  While I was worrying, I started browsing through the fitness category on Pinterest.  I came across this picture...

Then I thought, WHY NOT ME?!?!  Why don't I work hard to do something that I WANT?  Why don't I accomplish something that will be with me for the rest of my life?  So here and now, I commit.  I commit to do my homework and eat 40% carbs 40% protein and 20 % fat at EVERY meal.  I vow to only eat a meal a week that is "bad" for me... (I.E.  Eating chicken and a sweet potato at a steakhouse or getting fries with my in-n-out; NOT pig out meal)  I vow to order my supplements and take them, even if I don't want to.  I vow to do both cardio and weight training at the gym.  I vow to accomplish my goal of winning the $100,000.00 12 week transformation.  I believe in myself and the power I have.  And this time it is about me.

Discipline

On the weekdays, Jason and I usually go to the gym every night around 9.  Tonight I told my Mom I would stay home so we could organize some stuff.  I told myself that instead of skipping a workout, I would go for a walk/jog on my hour lunch break.  I half expected myself to bail out, like I always do.  But I brought my gym bag into work instead of leaving it in my car.  It was just staring me in the face.  At around 11:30 am I was in no mood to do any sort of physical activity, so i said to myself, “why don't you just put on your exercise clothes?  They always make you feel good.".  So I did.  Within 30 minutes I was motivated to go!  I mapped out a route that would allow me to purchase some water and still get me back to work in time.  I started off walking down to the main street from my office building, once I got to it, for some reason that is beyond me, I started jogging!  Now for the most exciting news...  I did the first mile in 13 minutes and 26 seconds!  I could NOT believe that I did it!  I felt so proud and I walked into the store with my sweaty head held higher than it has ever been!  As i was looking around, I saw all the other "9-5ers" on their lunch breaks.  They were all getting fast food or sucking down their mochafrappenotworththecalories while I was working out.  I planned ahead brought a healthy meal.  Me!  I am so proud of myself.  Now, right before left for this walk/jog I came across the below picture and it made me thing.  We all know what NEEDS to be done, but most of the time when it comes to our health we don't do it.  We tend to op for the convenient things on our lives.  As for me, I say no.  I am my most important priority.  I know what needs to be done and I WILL do it.  Even if I don't want to.

Confidence

Fact: A scale measures your weight.  Fact: I want to lose some of that weight and never find it again.  Fact:  Muscle weighs more than fat.  Fact: I would be happier to see a smaller version of me in the mirror than on the scale.  

I am having some anxiety about these facts that are true for me.  I physically SEE my self losing weight in the mirror.  My legs, my stomach, and my face all look smaller to me, however I am not seeing the same results on the scale.  My weight is stagnate and sometimes it even shows that I gained weight.  and that is impossible.  I have been eating cleaner now than I was when there was results on the scale.  I eat around 1400 calories a day split into 5 meals.  I do my cardio for at least 45 minutes.  There is no way that I can't be losing weight.  I am confident in what I am doing.  I am finally eating healthy and cleanly and exercising.  I have decided to stay away from the scale until my next goal date which is January 28th, 25 days away.  I feel that I may lose the confidence I have in myself if the number on the scale doesn't drop.  I am going to keep doing what I am doing and rely on what I see and feel to see my results.  I am confident in myself and I know that I can do it!!!

On to other subjects...   New Year's resolutions...  I love you, I think you are great.... but I'm not setting one.  It seems like every year people set these goals for themselves.  Did you know that only 1 out of every 10 people setting new year's resolutions actually accomplish them?  That is only 10%!  This is basically setting yourself up for failure.  I feel like this would always be tucked away in the back of my mind and my self sabotage would overtake me.  So in other words... no resolution for me. 

On the day after Christmas, I agreed to participate in a Half Marathon at the end of April with Jason's mom's best friend, Lisa.  To some people this seems like nothing, but to me this sounds crazy!  I am not the best at running, jogging, or even walking for that matter.  I was SHOCKED that I agreed to this (and no I was NOT drinking at the time).  So,  I have been walking/ attempting to jog on the treadmill and outdoors.  I decided maybe it was a good idea to sign up for a 5k (3.2 miles) so try to build up my stamina.  I signed up for one that benefits a local high school marching band.  It is on Jan 21st... 16 days away.  When I signed up I thought to myself,  "shoot a half marathon is 13.1 miles, I bet I can do 3.2 no problems".  So, I signed up paid my non refundable entry and went about my day more motivated then ever.  We got off of work early that day so I thought i would walk the distance of a 5k around my neighborhood to get a feel for the distance...  I think I am in over my head...  It felt like it took forever!!!!  The distance was way longer than ALL of the easily walked neighborhood paths combined!!!  I did it though, and it took me 48 minutes and 45 seconds.  My average mile was 14 min and 48 seconds.  I was very proud of my self for finishing it.  I have done 3.2 miles everyday since that day and I cannot break that time!  I have decided to try to do the 5k in less than 38 Minutes and 40 seconds.  This means I need to make a 12 min mile!  When I attempt to jog at the gym I get winded really fast and feel like I am breathing way too hard for the amount of exercise I have done.  I am, however, confident in myself that I can do what I set my mind to.  I will do it!!

Sorry this post was so scatter brained!!!  There was just so much I wanted to talk about.  I am going to try and up my posts to at least once every two days. I am trying to be confident in myself.  No matter what is in my way,  I am the only one that can change my circumstances.