Just in case you thought I gave up again....

YOU'RE WRONG!

I'm still at it,  I've been sick with the sniffles and a gnarly cold all while batteling 16 units in a quarter system school.  Down a total of 9 pounds as of last week, will post more in depth soon!

Keep on it!

Want to Vs. Will do

I WANT to lay in bed and cry and eat a lot of ice cream washed down with a bottle of wine. 

Why do we put so much of our happiness onto someone else?  Expectation is the root of evil in my life.  I really need to learn to not expect anything from anyone except myself.


So what WILL I do?  Work out to make me not regret a binge in the morning.  Focus my emotion into my workout to create something I can be proud of.


#girlpower

Your mind is wrong.

I am sweaty and gross but I don't really care!  I just did week 5 day 3 of the Couch to 5k app.  That is 5 min warm up 20 min straight run then 5 minute cool down.  I have been dreading this day and doing previous days with walking breaks over, but today the app tricked me and switch to this day.  I felt like I had been running a while so I looked down at my phone and it was at 10 min left.  Since I wasn't struggeling I thought, "eff it, lets do this".  I got a bit tired at the end but I finished it! My normal run is about 3 miles and the apps workout finishes around 2 miles.  So when I completed the C25K plan, I ran another 3 minutes, walked up the big hill, ran to and up my streets big hill, another 5 minutes! I am so proud of myself right now.  Always push yourself even if your mind is telling you that you can't.  Because your mind is wrong.

Oh Monday.....

How many of you go to the gym and see people that are in extremely good shape that run/elliptical/stair master/bike for a million hours?

Which leaves you feeling like...

 Then you kinda feel bad about your self thinking things like, "I will never get there" or "Compared to her, I'm a f***ing whale".  I don't know about you, but this leads me to a lot of self loathing. 

Today as I was working out I noticed a girl on a treadmill not to far from me that was kicking ass running.  She didn't half to walk like I did and I KNOW she was on a higher speed.  Not to mention how great her ass looked in her tiny running shorts.  After I finished my run I walked to get a paper towel to wipe down my machine and I saw a woman on the elliptical that was overweight and struggling through her workout like how I used to when I began.  This lead me to two lessons.

#1 Often times we are too consumed with the negative things that we lose sight of our victories.

Example:  I was too consumed with how great the other woman looked that it overtook the joy of me running 8 minutes straight two times in a row AND completing a 12 minute 34 second mile.  Both things I never thought I would accomplish so fast and so effortlessly.

Example 2:  (This is a big one for me)  I was pretty depressed this weekend, and I still worked out every day.  I was still bumming and didn't eat 100% on plan, but I stayed under my calorie count and went right back to it yesterday.  I'd say the fact that I didn't give up is a damn good accomplishment and I am proud of myself.

#2  We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people.  We will only cause ourselves grief.

Example:  I have been in much better shape with a tight ass and I have been the one struggling on the treadmill.  The only person we should compare ourselves to is who we were yesterday.  Make YOURSELF proud.  That is all that matters, put those blinders up and do what you need to do.

Oh btw... I cut 21 inches off my hair this weekend!


Before it as a solid 2 inches past my butt crack and now it's like this!

Future You

Today has sucked.  For some reason I was pretty depressed today.  I didn't feel like doing much of any thing.  I hurried to the scale to see my weekly success and I was disappointed... I only lost 2 pounds.  My cheat day was over the top.  Now this is the part where I usually say F*** it and binge on some tasty (unhealthy) food.  But I didn't, I laced up my shoes and headed out the door for a little run.  I live by the Rosebowl in Pasadena so I usually head down there, run one side of the loop and back around.  It equals 3 miles total.  I use the AMAZING free app, C25K or Couch to 5K, by ZenLabs. (Here's the info).  Today on my normal route, I stumbled upon this inspiring chalk art.

It says, "Future You Says Thanks".  How cool is this?  The Rosebowl gets a lot of traffic of all sorts of people going around the 3.2 mile circle.  You have everyone from the extremely fit to the extremely unfit.  I found it extremely inspiring, but I got some funny looks when I halted mid run to snap a picture.  haha Whatever, I wanted to save this little moment of unknown inspiration.  Anyway, I came home made some tasty egg whites with a quarter of avocado and whole wheat toast, showered and got some grocerys.  I came home and decided it was gym time.  I was a tad more upbeat when I got home (I'd like to thank my run for the endorphins) so, once again I laced up my shoes and headed to the gym.  This is when my funk really set in,  I do not know what it was but I became extremely depressed during the first 30 min of my workout.  I knew I wouldn't be coming back so I pushed through and did a total of 1.5 hours of cardio.  The most I've ever done in 1 sitting.  I still left the gym super sad and lonely.  I got home and crawled straight into bed.  The whole time I laid there all I could think about was how much of a failure I am and how I would never be able to finish the 45 day challenge.  I should just give up and eat what I want. .. Blah Blah Blah the usual self hatred crap.  (Yeah, I shouldn't do that, but really everyone does).  When my family got home I went to sit with them and we chatted about why I felt so bummed out.  My aunt's friend paid me a very very kind compliment about how determined and positive I was.  This reminded me how I have done this before and how I can continue to do it.  I need to complete the 45 days, not only to look and feel healthy, but to prove myself wrong.  I had about 120 calories left for the day, I had made a pretty hefty sandwich for lunch,  so I had some thinly sliced chicken breast lunch meat and two of the mini babybel light cheese wheels.  I'd say a MUCH better choice than the binge I had been planning in my head.  My aunt also reminded me how decreased my caloric intake was and how clean I was eating compared to before I started.  It's completely normal for me to be detoxing from all the processed shit I was putting in my body before.  I just need to stick with this for the 45 days.  It will really give me the kickstart and confidence I need to turn it into a lifestyle.  And I know for committing to the 45 days future me does say thanks.  Do something that makes your future self say thanks.

Happy Tuesday!

Now, for anyone that knows me, Tuesday is generally my least favorite day of the week.  It's how most people feel about Monday but for me.... I dread Tuesdays.  Today is a happy Tuesday because NEW GIRL IS BACK! haha I have an unhealthy obsession for this show.  So I am all smiles. I have also already run 3 miles today which has me feeling extra good.   Aside from that I have decided to challenge myself to lose 30 pounds by the end of October.  So, that is 30 pounds in 45 days or around 4lb loss per week.  I am really going to push myself to make this happen.  I have made a countdown and a reward/ inspiration board to give myself a daily reminder to kick ass!  Here is what they look like:

Wish me luck on my newest adventure!  HERE is some daily motivation for you to get up and be active :)

So. Very. Tired.

Hello...

I am so tired.  In case that wasn't clear with my title.  Yesterday, I took a bit of a cheat day.  I didn't go to the gym, I ate pizza, and drank beer. For the first time in about 3 weeks I think it is safe to say I got drunk.  Honestly, I felt like shit today.  Not from a hangover, but depression rather.  I felt terrible and all I wanted to do was say, "Fuck it, I want jack n the box or in n out. Greasy crappy gross food".  BUT I thought about were I wanted to be and I then thought 2 things, #1... you are going to be pissed at yourself if you eat that. #2... Imagine where you want to be.  I didn't eat the crappy food, I got a mini turkey sandwich from Jersey Mikes, with no oil.  Mini accomplishment #1.  After I got home and finished my food, I wanted to watch TV.  But I gave myself a time limit of 1 hour to relax then I got my butt up and went to the gym.  Mini accomplishment #2.  When I am overweight, the gym scares me.  I FEEL like I do not belong there and that people are talking about me.  I emphasize the word feel, because often times people like to interject there and tell me how I'm crazy.  I KNOW others do not think that, but that doesn't change me from feeling that way.  Now, I have referenced this before when I started losing weight the first time.  I watched a Jaime Eason video on bodybuiding.com and she makes a nice reminder that I go to the gym for me and no one else.  I don't need to worry about what they think.  I am there bettering myself.  Plus if they are focused on me, their workout must be suffering. :P  How many people are scared of the big tall scary step machine at the gym?  *Raises Hand*  After my first half hour of cardio I went on the big horrific step machine and made it my bitch.  I only did 10 minutes, but it really got my heart rate going and sweat dripping off my body.  I finished that, did an additional hald hour of cardio, stretched,then went home.  Look at the amount of sweat that I racked up today!

 Mini Accomplishment #3.

I am worn out and couldn't even go to the gym twice today.  Night!

Relapses Are Inevitable

First of all, yes I know, it's been a while since my last post.  The last post that I said I was fed up with being overweight and was quitting smoking and blah blah blah.  I fell off the band wagon quick.  And clearly that wasn't my first time falling off the wagon.  But, hell, I'M HUMAN.  and chances are if you are female and reading this, you have probably fallen off the wagon a time or two as well.   Life is hard.  Really hard.  Even harder if your not blessed with a bikini ready body after a week of clean eating and gym work.  But come on the majority of us aren't.  and if you are and you aren't in my family or one of my best friends you might not find what you want to here.  But if you do I'm glad my insight could help you too!

It has been quite some time since my last post, so let me catch you up:


-My AMAZING temp job ended
-Moved in with my Aunt and Uncle in Pasadena (I'm going to school in Pomona)
-Met a couple of confused immature assholes
-Gained more weight
-Got a new job (with a cigarette company)
-Hated job and quit
-Smoke free for 47 days aside from 3 drunken nights (sober me is not accountable for drunk me)
-Got a fitbit
-Using my anger at everything to workout..... a lot


 Hmmmm....
I probably forgot something, but I'm sure it will come up if I did.

So, since I moved out to Pasadena (about an hour from all my friends) I have become even more depressed.  I filled the voids in my life (friends, boys, bad self image, and well everything) with bad food and booze.  Which only made me feel worse.  Shocking I know.  and not only did I feel angry at myself for eating the food, my reflection wasn't making me happy either.

So once again I decided to change my life.  Now I know your thinking, "Yeah, right KK, I've heard that before". and ya know what you have.  Now it's up to me to prove you and my tiny little inner haters wrong.

So lately instead of eating and drinking my feelings I have been working out a lot.  Since I don't have a job and school doesn't start for two weeks I have been working out at least twice a day.  Now I know this is a tad extreme, but why not?  The people on those weight loss shows do it and I am making sure I am satisfied with a nutritionally balance diet.  I have the time for the next two weeks until school starts I am hoping to jump start my weight loss.

I accomplished another HUGE milestone tonight.  I swam laps at the gym by myself.  No one I knew or trusted with me since my Dad died in the water.  HUGE HUGE DEAL.


This is me, right after my swim :)  Oh and if there are any Chive(er or ettes) reading KCCO :P

I spent 4 hours at the gym.....

I have never ever ever done that... Ever..... My friend told me he would meet me there at 9 to lift so I decided to go earlier and get my cardio in. I got there at 8:20 and got on the elliptical. He got there at 9 and we "got SWOL".  We worked some legs but mostly upper body. Last night driving home my arms were so exhausted I could barely drive. I woke up this morning and  was surprised my arms didn't hurt at all.  That was 2 hours ago.... My arms are becoming more and more fatigued.  I am keeping my protein intake solid and I have been stretching.  Here's to going hard and shocking myself.

What Inspires You?

I'm curious to know what inspires other people to keep working at it.

Part of me is scared to really commit to lose the weight again because the only reason I really see my self as thin is looking back at pictures.

I was MUCH happier then than I am now in that body, but I still didn't view my self as being thin.

Even I can admit that I stuck with the challenge in the beginning to prove someone wrong.  Now I want to stick with it to prove myself wrong.  You know that age old saying "you don't know what you got til it's gone"?  That is how I feel about my previous weight loss.

So I am looking to see how anyone keeps with it.  I know I don't have many readers but if you do read this I would love to know what inspires you to keep working on it, what ever "it" is for you.

reality check

Been pretty down on my luck the last couple of days.  But today, I watched THIS and my perspective has been altered a bit.

New quote: "You can either sit in the basement and wait, or you can get out there and do crazy stuff" 

What would your next move be if you were terminal?

New goal

While on my lunch at work I was browsing through The Chive and came across THIS lovely cache of pictures of beautiful women with tattoos.  I constantly look at Chivette's for my fitspo and I've decided I can't wait to get back to goal so I can have my own (classy of course) picture posted on The Chive.

ANYWAY..

In other news, THIS SHIT IS HARD.  I am tired, discouraged, sad, lonely, and quite honestly I could use a strong drink or 7.  I have been really balancing my love of food vs my wanting to be fit and healthy.  I think to myself that being overweight is doable.  I can learn to find flattering clothes and not be insecure.  Now please don't misunderstand me, I love myself and who I am, but when I was thinner and healthy I felt so alive and amazing!  I want that feeling again.  I want it more than I want to drink, I want it more than I want to snack, and I want it way more than I want to sit on my ass and watch TV.  I saw this on Pinterest and it made so much sense.

Also, my lovely friend Lisee showed me how she made a fitspo collage for the background on her phone so I made one for my lock screen and one for my wall paper with some things that inspire me.

I used some ecards and pictures of myself when I was in LOVE with myself.  I know I can get back there and this little reminder when I open my phone helps :)

ACV

Apple cider vinegar. Whose tried it to aid in weight loss?  I've tried fat burners and they really mess with my heart and over all feeling. So, I have heard that certain raw versions of apple cider vinegar can assist in weight loss. I did some research and found that it is relatively cheap so I figured what the heck! You're supposed to take 2 teaspoons before each meal. So here is the correct kind of ACV with the "mother" haha this made me laugh. Well we will see what/ if it does anything for me. I will keep you posted :)

What the hell happened to me...

6 AM run.... Check. Midnight workout.... Check. Plans for 6am workout... Check.... The expression on my face says it all... WTF got into me. My thoughts on not getting much sleep is this.... If I can stay up drinking like a sailor until 3 AM then get up and be at work at 8AM, why can't I work out and still get more rest. This is a lifestyle change I have been craving. I've always wanted to be addicted to the gym, so here it goes!

Running before I'm alive

So I have this best friend... See below. She's gorgeous, sweet, fit and by far my greatest motivator. When I don't believe in myself she pushes me too. Anyway... Last night we planned to go on a run before I went to work this morning. I hate mornings. She called me and called me until I got out of bed then showed up at my door dragged my butt outside an made me go with her. And here we are at our local herbalife shake place. I don't do herbalife but their protein shakes fit into my nutrition just fine. Here is my lemon iced tea, my chocolate PB protein shake, and my new PB2!

Struggling

I'm really having a tough time balancing nutrition and life. I know I can do it. I keep messing up but I feel so close to the edge of greatness that I'm trying not to get discouraged. I looked at all of the pictures of myself when I was thin and it was pretty darn tough. BUT it has only made me want to push harder to get back there. I have made an album of pictures on my iPhone that has all of my skinny pics my progress pics, pictures that accentuate mu current size ( lets be honest my current unhappiness) and pics of healthy beautiful women that inspire me. When I feel like binging, not working out, or just crappy, I look at them and it inspires me. On another note of something else that's going to be super hard I have decided to quit smoking (another nasty habit I recently picked up). This includes smoking when I drink. Here is a pic of my last pack. Donezo. Hope everyone is doing well in spite of the hard times.

Back to it!

My friends and I created a 9 week weight loss challenge. It's $10 to enter and an additional $10 if you fall in the bottom two slots ( meaning you lost the least percent of weight). Week one I lost 6.5 lbs and week 2 I broke even. This week I'm kicking ass! Gym two for two so far and a run tomorrow morning before work. This time I'm doing me. I am my motivator and the voice in my ear pushing g me harder. I am pleased to find that I CAN do this and I don't have to settle as the "fat" friend.

2/25/13

Since my 21st birthday at the end of June I have been binge drinking like crazy and supplementing my hangover with whatever greasy unhealthy food looked satisfying.  Since I am not invincible I did what I hoped I would never do, I gained all my weight and more back.

AND IT SUCKS!

I couldn't tell you the countless drinks I had or the greasy pizza and fries I'd indulged in, but you know what I could tell you?  How good it felt being thinner and healthy and how miserable and depressed I am now.  None of my clothes fit and when I sit I can feel the horrific fat rolls on my back and sides.  Last Wednesday I challenged myself to go without drinking for 1 week and I am proud to say I have successfully made it over the weekend with out a single drink!  Only 2 days left!  I had originally planned to reward myself with a night of drinking but that just seems so silly to me!

Yesterday I went to Disneyland and instead of a cheat meal, I had a cheat day. Which wasn't what I originally planned to do. WHOOPDY DO. haha  My approach to weight loss this time is more realistic.  I will be eating the same meal plan as last time, however I am accepting the matter of real life this time.  No, it's not possible to be as strict as I was last time for my entire life.  I am going to want to go out and get hammered and eat some fast food and instead of depriving myself like last time, I am going to be smarter and live life too.  ANYWAY, after eating at Disneyland and being unhealthy I feel like a slug, I am so tired and could barely get out of bed today.  Which is just giving me more and more motivation to keep the good feelings going!

I'm happy to be back :)

2/21/13

I'm back bitches.  It's go time.