Monday, December 19, 2011


Today I am struggling.  I am doing everything in my power to not eat what I really want to.  I had a bad weekend with food.  My family celebrates Christmas during the weekend before, so it was all the good old home-style eats.  There was ham, prime rib,  delicious rolls, and my moms scalloped potatoes.  Of course there was amazing deserts that my sweet tooth could not avoid and so much delicious wine, it was hard to stop at three glasses.

This year our Christmas weekend took place up at Lake Naciemento, where my aunt lives.  We rented a house and all 25 of us piled in.  Everyone was required to bring some food item.  I was assigned potato chips.  I could barely even open the bag before i broke into them.  The oil and salty flavor just captured my taste buds.  I tried to refrain after a couple of handfuls and made a salami sandwich on wheat bread.  I thought i was going to be able to stick with my healthy eating and pull through dinner but when the emotions hit, I was done.  My father was tragically taken from my family June 26th.  This will be my families first Christmas without him.  Dinner seemed to be going ok, but I could tell my mom and sister were being saddened by his absence.  My aunt (who had lost her husband the same week my dad passed, three years prior) was feeling the pain as well.  There was just something missing.  My mom had prepared a surprise for our family that was about to hit me hard.  She had taken my dad's clothes and made teddy bears out of them for everyone.  I can usually ignore my pain and push through it, but with the help of some good white wine I couldn't ignore it.  I became overwhelmed with sadness.  My boyfriend (Jason)  went with me outside and let me cry and helped me through the initial hit.  When we came back inside though, I couldn't control what I was eating!  I tend to eat my feelings and man it felt good... at the time.  Today I feel terrible.  I am so scared to put anything in my mouth, because all I want to eat is pizza or french fries.  I am tired and have no drive to make anything healthy.  I am angry at my self because I could have and should have done better.  I feel so good when I eat healthy and get closer to achieving my goals.  I keep going back and forth.  Part of me is like F*ck it, i'll be fat forever and eat what I want, but the other side is telling me that it is only a minor slip up, there is next week and it is hard during the holidays.  I need to get through this but it is hard.  I will not let my stress get the best of me...  but man am I struggling....  This is just me getting in the way again.. Just as I have for  the last 5 trillion times I have tried to lose weight.  So "me"... get the hell out of my way I'm not where I want to be yet.

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